Loving connection without spiritual bypass

What I’ve noticed about my intimate relationships, is how easily triggered I get.

The feelings I notice come up within me are; anger, confusion, doubt, excitement, fear, lust, fantasy.

I observe a part of myself trying to control things with passive-aggressive communication and by withdrawing my love.

Part of me wants to believe and trust my partner, another part of me doubts much of what he says and does.

I see myself choosing to ignore obvious red-flags. I notice another part of me, doubting myself and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. This part is willing to take a risk, to believe in him, to ignore my inner voice, to doubt my own doubts, to see myself as broken and to tell myself that by accepting him, I will then somehow have a chance at being a better or whole person.

I am afraid I will miss out on love, if I refuse him and I am afraid I will be terribly hurt if I accept him. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t.

What have I learned about my inner world, through somatic therapies?

I have felt a deep loneliness for much of my life, even in relationships.

There are old wounds within, of not feeling seen, not feeling heard, not feeling good enough. A part of me aches to have these unmet needs met and yet I return to similar men, to try to have those needs met.

I have this notion (a core belief), through early childhood experiences, that men cannot be trusted, that they will always end up hurting me. I am afraid of the anger that rises in me, towards them.

I know a little more now, about anger and that it is a distorted response to my personal power being degraded, of feeling disempowered, of having my boundaries crossed. Anger is natural when these transgressions happen, but if I am not able to speak up for myself, then anger will stay buried and eat away at me from the inside.

I have acknowledged in therapy, that at an early stage I was made to feel that my anger was not welcome, that my voice was not going to be heard and I must have deduced from that, that my needs did not matter.

This created barriers to love, which have been reinforced over years of repeating the same patterns, when it comes to getting close to someone and voicing my needs.

I created barriers to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically this means I will not be able to experience deep connection. The unmet need will not be met, as long as I maintain a protective strategy.

So I hover on the edge of the void, to fly or fall? To stay ‘safe’ but disconnected, or to risk hurt and have a chance at deep connection. Do I trust my own judgement? Is there a part of me that blames myself for my past suffering? Do I feel shame, that I allowed others to hurt me? Intellectually I understand that those young parts of self, were innocently trusting the world and that they didn’t choose the wounding, they had no control over others. Those young parts brilliantly created survival strategies, which protected me at the time but as I moved forward in life, they became limiting and prevented me from thriving.

The wonderful gift of training in Embodied Processing therapy and Internal Family Systems, is that I am learning to meet my unmet needs, by working with own inner parts. I’m learning to parent, love and care for myself. To know and love all parts of myself. To welcome with compassion all the parts, especially the ashamed, hurt and hiding parts. Their experience and emotions were valid and now they can be safe, in the warm shelter of my own heart.

And how does this sit within spiritual knowledge, without bypassing the inner human workings?

My adult part, the one which has been practicing Yoga for decades, studying Vedanta and knows the truth of non-dualism, knows that all of the above, is a construct of mind. It’s not ultimately real. It comes from memory (citta), from attachment and aversion (raga and dvesha), that it comes from adharma (incorrect action) and from imprints in the body-mind. My true Self is untouched by any of it, is already full, is already happy, is perfect. This is the real work towards love and connection. Not with ‘another’, because there is no other. There is only one.

Ishvara pranidhana (surrender to the divine/to the ultimate truth)

It is not helpful for long-term healing and inner transformation, to take a spiritual bypass (avoiding human reality & escaping into spiritual life), but it is helpful to remember the bigger picture, as I continue learning to be with a human-mind, in a human body, having human experiences. Reminding myself that what I feel, is based on experiences and not on ultimate reality, gives me hope.

Remembering the bigger picture, helps me take care of the everyday things and my limited human self, with love. It helps me to receive grace.

It helps to soften the edges, in the agitations of the mind, to create space from the obsession with ‘I/me/mine’ and the implied separation.

Ishvara pranidhana, is the path to our true nature; that of grace, peace, unconditional love, clarity, and freedom.

By turning to this inner Self, which is always there, beneath the layers of small self, we begin to know inner guidance and peace, in all aspects of life.

My teacher often recalls what his Guru (Sri K Pattabhi Jois), told him.

How to maintain awareness of both the greater field of consciousness, as well as continuing to do the inner work of integrating all our human parts

We can consider Ishvara pranidhana, to which Atman (soul) is the window to, a heart-full practice. It is a devotion to pure consciousness and it keeps our human heart open in the here and now, no matter what arises.

Keep exploring the inner world, through the layers of human experience, to uncover the truth of the expansive, timeless, boundless Self.

The small self and all the parts of our inner world, mostly generated by memory (citta) and imprints, needs to be seen, heard, validated, and integrated, so that slowly the eternal light, which is our true nature, will be revealed.

It is possible to hold a dual awareness of both the mind-body experience as well as the greater Self and divine consciousness.

In fact to compassionately witness and welcome all aspects of mind-body self, the greater consciousness or witness state needs to be known as well.

Observe, from a place of curiosity. Come to see all these parts, from a place of compassion. Self is not all the parts. Self, expands around and through all that, and is unscathed.

In response to the opening quote;  

When you come to know Self, there will be no anxiety, no agitation.

The ultimate loving connection, is to be found in knowing truth.

Some words inspired by Advaita Vedanta teachings;

Peace will not be found in another. Peace will be re-found within and without, all as one.

I am not the wave, nor am I the ocean, there is no I, there is only water.

And to conclude;